On a cloudy Sunday morning, I carried my steaming hot mug of coffee to the patio and over looked into the vast expanse of the sky. A bird of the branch seemed to be chirping "how are you doing lady?"

At that instant are innumerable answers..

The optimist in me sings back, "All is well, I can't be happier and better."

The pessimist in me sulks, "Things didn't go the way I wanted. Though it is not bad, it could have been a lot better."

The realist in me says in a matter-of-fact tone,"Things are good till now. How long it is going to be so is the frightening unknown."

The cynic replies, "It does not matter how I do at all at the moment. I am sure everything and everybody is as determined as ever to alter how I do."

The defensive person in me asks, "Why on earth do you want to know..".

The introvert assumes that the question was not meant to me.

The extrovert asks back, "Am doing great. How is your day.."

The ambi-vert simply nods.

The avoidant hears the question but ignores it.

The emotionalist is moved by the fact that someone is asking how I am doing and sheds tears of gratitude.

So who the hell am I?
Is all of them me?
What face comes out in what situation?
Is there is a conflict between these types and confuses me?

With so much transitions in my life, I sat back and questioned myself, what do I really miss from my previous era of life (almost like another life) for me..

I was quite surprised , frankly stunned and found it extremely strange that I really miss me or what used to the inseparable part of me. I mean, i don't seem to spend quality time with myself. Oh, not in terms of taking care of me bodily. That is very well taken care of, if not by me, by my family. It is about spending time with me in terms of doing things that seem to expand me, the inner me. Like sipping a nice & hot cup of coffee, in ultimate quietness and enjoying the cup with thoughts of some thing i read about or seen and weighing it and try to form an opinion; Like listening to music in a room to call it my own, in serenity without anyone asking me why i was silent or comment about the old songs that i listen to. I love listening to music in the night, in the darkness and tranquility the music and full gravity of lyrics seem to hit me more and transport me to another plane. I cant remember the last time I did that; Like reading a good book that I simply cannot put down and be left alone with my book and my thoughts, sitting back and thinking about what I read after I am done with the book; A little solitude when I wanted solitude, being far from internet and cell phone; And so on..

All these are not possible now. There are many reasons of why this is not possible. For one, my world was unshared with anyone and I had complete control of it. I cannot do that now. Rather, I would not want to do that now. Thinking about it, I think my challenge is to find something that would replace the activities that I enjoyed and still enthrall me. And I believe that it would solve the problem of to finding ways to reconnect with myself. How to go about doing that, is something I am fiddling with. But I am sure I would find someway or the other. What makes it look positive to me is, this is not something that is unique to me. Everyone would probably face this at some walk of their life and almost all manage to cope with it. Why not me? Besides, I cannot claim that I am unhappy. I am just missing a part of me. For a happy mind, the possibilities are innumerable.

In the era when everyone is thinking about saving endangered species and in the age of blue cross, this seems to be a very tough decision