It was a hectic Friday evening when I came down to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee to make me march forward towards the weekly goal that seemed like miles too far. The lady who makes the coffee smiled warmly and said, "Your usual Sumi?" and it looked like I could have some extra caffeine to see the end of the day. I replied to her, "How about a double shot medium latte, instead of single shot small?". She said, "Of course. Looks like you are very tired". I managed to shed a sub-standard smile and simply nodded. She made the coffee to my request and wished back, "It is a Friday Sumi, things will get better! You have a wonderful weekend and get some rest". More than the coffee, it was the conversation that pepped me. I feel I get down to the cafeteria to have a small chat more than to have coffee. I sometimes return with just milk. (Well, it is a big thing for a coffee freak like me.)
On a Monday morning and everybody scrambles to get into the building and race up the stairs to be on time for the meetings. I join this crowd practically racing from the parking lot. A gentleman held the door for almost five of us ahead of him. I waved to him and getting the door. He responded, "Let me get the door for you ma'am" with a warm smile.
"Dumbo, you ok?", a friend of mine asked when I got into the car to do our usual carpool. I managed to nod a yes, but I could use a lot of sleep after the hectic travel with not-so-normal health condition. Though, I don't like to be pampered and pestered with questions, this one really warmed me up. No further questions asked beyond that but it was a great gesture.
Yahoo! messenger popped up a new mail notice. It was from a school time friend, from India. After the usual formalities and the engrossing description of her tour, were two statements that seemed very out of place and caught me by surprise. "Do you like what you are doing of late? Don't try to be what you are not. It does not scale well." It was like an omen out of no where, especially when we haven't met each other for two years now. A command that is too hard to ignore and the underlying care that is warms up anyone..
"Hi, how are you?", a stranger greeted me in a grocery store with a broad smile. I was forced to smile back and I am glad that I did smile back. Fake it or not, it stuck to me throughout the day.
"Why are you not speaking everyday?", many family members keep throwing up this question. I think I am not of talkative nature - especially I cant bend down to normal formalities when there is no substance. I don't think it is a proud statement. It is rather an incapability to speak mundane things. A casual conversation may be a connecting bridge in many relationships. My nature is more of a liability than an incentive. But does it really prevent me from connecting with people? It takes a long while to understand that expressions of affection or care does not have to do with how much I speak but it has much to do with what I do. It just takes more time for others to look beyond the surface to find what really matters. People who care to do that stick around.
Significant something at the hour of need or insignificant nothings every day - whatever be the case, it is human nature to connect with others. Even a loner has something to connect to. I think it is really far fetched to complain that we are making thin relations since we are always running in the fast paced world. It is us who are blind to small things that people do. We are just too busy to notice the sweet nothings or somethings.
On a cloudy Sunday morning, I carried my steaming hot mug of coffee to the patio and over looked into the vast expanse of the sky. A bird of the branch seemed to be chirping "how are you doing lady?"
At that instant are innumerable answers..
The optimist in me sings back, "All is well, I can't be happier and better."
The pessimist in me sulks, "Things didn't go the way I wanted. Though it is not bad, it could have been a lot better."
The realist in me says in a matter-of-fact tone,"Things are good till now. How long it is going to be so is the frightening unknown."
The cynic replies, "It does not matter how I do at all at the moment. I am sure everything and everybody is as determined as ever to alter how I do."
The defensive person in me asks, "Why on earth do you want to know..".
The introvert assumes that the question was not meant to me.
The extrovert asks back, "Am doing great. How is your day.."
The ambi-vert simply nods.
The avoidant hears the question but ignores it.
The emotionalist is moved by the fact that someone is asking how I am doing and sheds tears of gratitude.
So who the hell am I?
Is all of them me?
What face comes out in what situation?
Is there is a conflict between these types and confuses me?
With so much transitions in my life, I sat back and questioned myself, what do I really miss from my previous era of life (almost like another life) for me..
I was quite surprised , frankly stunned and found it extremely strange that I really miss me or what used to the inseparable part of me. I mean, i don't seem to spend quality time with myself. Oh, not in terms of taking care of me bodily. That is very well taken care of, if not by me, by my family. It is about spending time with me in terms of doing things that seem to expand me, the inner me. Like sipping a nice & hot cup of coffee, in ultimate quietness and enjoying the cup with thoughts of some thing i read about or seen and weighing it and try to form an opinion; Like listening to music in a room to call it my own, in serenity without anyone asking me why i was silent or comment about the old songs that i listen to. I love listening to music in the night, in the darkness and tranquility the music and full gravity of lyrics seem to hit me more and transport me to another plane. I cant remember the last time I did that; Like reading a good book that I simply cannot put down and be left alone with my book and my thoughts, sitting back and thinking about what I read after I am done with the book; A little solitude when I wanted solitude, being far from internet and cell phone; And so on..
All these are not possible now. There are many reasons of why this is not possible. For one, my world was unshared with anyone and I had complete control of it. I cannot do that now. Rather, I would not want to do that now. Thinking about it, I think my challenge is to find something that would replace the activities that I enjoyed and still enthrall me. And I believe that it would solve the problem of to finding ways to reconnect with myself. How to go about doing that, is something I am fiddling with. But I am sure I would find someway or the other. What makes it look positive to me is, this is not something that is unique to me. Everyone would probably face this at some walk of their life and almost all manage to cope with it. Why not me? Besides, I cannot claim that I am unhappy. I am just missing a part of me. For a happy mind, the possibilities are innumerable.
In the era when everyone is thinking about saving endangered species and in the age of blue cross, this seems to be a very tough decision
On a fine weekend day, I and my friend get into a conversation about the movie that we watched. We have different opinions about the movie, which is normally the case. Apparently, this was one of the most awaited Tamil movies and unlike most Tamil movies, this was worked on for over 2 years. The movie watchers community was all ga-ga about the movie. Supposedly a historical movie about one of the powerful rulers of Tamil Nadu - one of the most elite rulers - the Cholas, who I must say I admire the most. After all, their reign was not called "Golden era of Cholas" for nothing.
I do not have any prejudice about the director and hardly do I go to movie with great expectations. But this movie was down right an injustice to the way Cholas lived. I consider that as an insult to the Cholas. I am sure not many would share that opinion. But I dare say, I do have that opinion. Beyond all this, the second part of the movie was blatantly gory - oh, too gory for South Indian standards. Now, this is where I and my friend have strongest difference of opinion. According to my friend, this movie cannot even be described as "gory" if compared to Western movies and that is when the word "globalization" cropped up. That is something I do not understand. "Globalization" does not mean we lose our identity in the international arena. (BTW I do not include clothing or partying as being attributes of identity. Identity goes above and beyond all those. Another overly abused word.). Globalization is applicable to economy, industry etc etc. But there are certain aspects that are local. I am sure the director did not want to take the movie for international audience. Movies are meant primarily for local audience, appealing to their taste and is strongly connected to their way of thinking at present. Globalization in the movies may be limited to "how" movies are taken purely from technical and technological standards but "what" is the movie all about is strongly local. I am of the opinion that this is one of the most strongly abused words of all time, even worst that IT jargon. There are certain aspects that are strictly tribal. Food, way of thought and what is appealing and what is appalling are few of them. All business magnets realize this, may be the common people don't.
If globalization means setting international standards for everything, why would McDonalds in India sell Panner tikka burgers? Why not sell the raw meat burgers that they sell in US?
We all know the democracy that is coined by Lincoln. That is an ideal state of democracy. There are so many democracies in the world. How many of them are truly run for the people? Most of the countries running democratic governments have progressed not because of the governments governing extraordinarily well. But because the people strive to improve their lifestyles. Of course, I do not mean to claim that governments have not done anything at all. The acts, the policies etc etc that have helped the common man, have not been drawn totally with common man in mind. Thus one cannot attribute entirely to the effort of the common man altogether.
I think in these countries including my own, people have given up their hopes on the government and progress of their life styles happen faster because the era of globalization and privatization economies, more than the local government. This is probably the best thing to happen for the common main in developing countries for the progress happens despite tthe government.
Yes, this is about my driving once again.
I must say I have a really bad habit. I just cant stay in one place doing nothing. It is nearly impossible for me to do. If I am at it, it means that there is something terribly wrong. The place of my work is about 2 miles from where I live and though there is a public transport connectivity, it is not as frequent as I would like and if I happen to miss one bus or rail, I must wait more than 15 minutes. That is like a punishment to me for missing the one I intend to catch. It just gets me nuts and it is not a very good way to start my day at work. If you are anyone like me, you would definitely understand what I truly mean. That is why I never take the risk of using the public transport. I walk the 2 miles up and down when my hubby is not around to drop me. It takes about 10 minutes longer than commuting by rail, but hey, i am not idle which is immensely pleasing. Plus, it is a very brisk way to start your day.
Here comes the winter and my first winter abroad and I dont like it a bit. It gets too dark too soon and it is really cold. Walking with all that heavy winter attires is not all that fun either. It crippled me down here since I am left with only one option - to take the public transport. Yes, i didnt know to drive. Like how necessity is a mother is all invention, desperation seems to the catalyst in over coming all hurdles. Desperate not to let the unkind winter unleash its air of frustration on me, once again, I get my husband hire another driving instructor. This time not just to have the state id but to do some real driving. Some how, after a lot of pit falls, I seem to have come to terms with riding a car.
After a week of commuting to and from office, I feel happy that I don't have to stand idle or shoot through the dark evenings to reach home. Though anyone a mile away can tell, there is a amateur driver out there in a car, I must say I am glad to be partly liberated. Partly because, there is miles to miles to go before I can say I can manage anywhere..
As a kid and even now, whenever I set out on a journey some where, I start counting down the number of hours (sometimes even minutes). Whenever a distinct milestone is reached, I say to myself, 'Hey you have already reached here, just a few more hours to go..'. On the 59th minute of every hour, I have this self- conversation. Sounds really quirky but journey could be sometime really tiring and I need to keep saying something encouraging to myself. Instead of looking at these long journeys as a repulsive affairs, may be I should start enjoying the journeys occupying myself with things that I really like. There is always another chance for a trip...
Thinking about it, Life is like this to me as well. When I was in kindergarten, I look up to those in the primary school and I was yearning when I would be grown up like them and when I was really there, it was the secondary and senior secondary. When I was actually in my 12th grade, I was dying to join a college. While I college, I was frantically looking out for financial independence in the form of a job or at least get my education a further push in the form of Masters. After I got a job and have a career path, and seemed lost as to what I want next in life, my mother suggested that I marry and after a lot of push, that happened as well. I think there is always something to do until we retire. And I am wondering if I can claim I thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing each step of life or whether I would be saying i missed the fun waiting to get onto the next step. Unlike an airplane travel, life does not present us with a second chance. Life is indeed a journey of no return. How many of us can truly claim they enjoyed it thoroughly?
8People have discovered that there is a subtle form of communication between animals and even have ways of expressing happines (may not exactly be laughter). These are not something that is unique to homo sapiens as it was deemed earlier (oh, just got tired of referring to us as human beings all the time). But I think we are the only beings to be able to imagine the future, we may or may not plan for it (that is a totally different ball game). Probably this is the real "sixth sense". To be able to travel down the imagination avenue and travel up the memory lane is simply an enormous power vested on us.
I remember seeing some really old movie in which someone tried to control the way a doll moves sitting in one place. We do have such dolls, not just dolls, even robots which are operated by remote controls. We imagined that at one point, a human can fly. We not only have planes but we are traveling beyond earth into an unknown space. What was once an imagination is now a reality. May be, necessity is no longer a mother of invention but Imagination is. We have crossed a stage where necessity was driving everything. We are now in stage where comfort and luxury is driving most of the inventions.
As someone rightly termed brain is an "Anticipation machine". We are always contemplating something - at least as simple as planning for dinner in the evening. Else, what would it be like to live in a world of "permanent present". Sometimes, it is not all that nice to be just in present. Contemplating gives us at least an opportunity to consummate the things we contemplate. May be in our minds, it gives us a sense of ability to alter things. It leaves us with a sense of comfort. It gives us an illusion of comfort. Yes, future is in our hands. The future is as good as we paint in our minds. An possibility of not just better days to come but more comfortable days (and possibly more lazy days with machines for everything) or at least an illusion of that keeps us growing.
When we can achieve so much with imagintion, why dont we imagine some altruistic phenomenon like world peace?
I was browsing through a book in a library (that I had already read) titled "Catch me a colobus". Colobus is a monkey and if I recollect correctly, they live primarily in Africa or the author (Durrell) catches one in Africa. It reminded me of some thing that I have been meaning to share and completely forgot for a long time (as long as two years! And especially after my hubby accusing me of becoming a wastrel, I gotta share something on the blog, so I thought i would atleast do this).
Again I am not too sure whether the method described below is the one the author narrated or is something I came across elsewhere (oh, its been quite a long time I read the book!)
Anyways, the point is the ingenious simplicity in which the monkey is caught. The trap is just an urn. The mouth of the urn is big enough for a hand to go in and becomes narrow enough to trap the hand in when the hand holds something. So you basically cannot let go of the urn if you are trying to taken something out of the urn. Now, the monkey enticed by the thing inside the urn, puts its hand inside the urn but it can't take out. It struggles and struggles without any luck to have the thing it was drawn to and loses its consciousness of the surroundings. And lo! it gets caught. It does not gets what it so desperately wanted and on top of it, it loses its freedom, which is even more costly.
When I read of it, I could not help but wonder how very similar our traits are. I mean, isn't this situation all too familiar? We do this all this time in our life. It is so very similar to the ingenius simplicity with which we land ourselves in a deadlock. We keep on struggling holding on to something thats not all that great and spend our more valuable time and energy on it and on top of it, in the process, we sometimes lose our peace of mind. We undertake something and expect to succeed. Fair enough but when things dont go all that well after putting in every thing we have got, we simply fail to move on. We keep going round and round in circles to feed our ego holding on to that one thing. We miss the big point that - we have to let go of the thing that is inside the urn to extricate ourselves. Not only does it give us an opportunity to move, it also puts the power to do something back into our hands. We got to make that choice or sometimes, the consequence would be more costly.
So, what choice have you made today?
For a change, I am going to narrate an experience.
I have to tell something about myself so that the reader could relate better to this. I have an exceptional sense of direction. I never return the same way I make my onward trip. I can easily get confused, because I simply don't register the directions or landmarks in my mind. Direction is a solvable problem in India. You can ask someone on the road or worst case, you get into an auto-rickshaw and reach where ever you set out to go.
Secondly, I have an extra-ordinary sense of "rightness". (oh, not about principles or accuracy). I always, invariably always, have to think which was my right and which was my left. To illustrate this a bit - my walk-in closet in our Phoenix apartment is adjacent to our bath and the light switches for both are adjacent to each other. When we moved in, when I operated the switches the first time, I somehow got into my head that, right switch operates the closet and the left operates the bath. Till this date, I always switch on the light to the closet when I actually want to switch on the lights in the bath and vice-versa. I am that confused when it comes to which is my right and which is my left. I got frustrated so much that, I had to unlearn this right-left concept and I have a better strategy now - the switch closer to the closet operates the closet lights. And now, I seem to be getting better at switching on lights.
And thirdly, while I am reasonably good at quantities (very important when it comes to cooking), I am pathetic when it comes to judging dimensions.
Now, when someone is blessed with these extra-ordinary "skills", it could prove to be a handicap when you are learning to drive. And I have never had a need to drive, till my destiny brought me to United States. Here, even for the essentials one had to go about in Cars. And man, they have high speed on the roads. Every time I see a car whiz past me, when I am on the pedestrian walk, I thank my stars that I have not flown anywhere because of that speed. But yes, one has to face realities, so I set about to learn driving with a good amount of prodding from my hubby.
Here, the driving school system works this way. You attend a 8 hour in-class session, in which they teach us about the signals, taking left and right turn using pre-recorded videos. You take a test, which one invariably clears, go to the motor vehicle division and get your learner's permit. Next you get to drive for 6 hours with an instructor - 2 sessions of 3 hours each. I got my permit and scheduled my driving sessions.
An instructor dropped by my home, walked me to the car marked "student driver". The car had two controls for acceleration and braking - one for him and another for me. He asked me to get into the driver's seat and asked me to get us on the road. (This could be very very scary if you have never been in a driver's seat even on a bi-cycle on main roads before and esp when you are in US.). I asked him which one is the brake and which one is the accelerator. He informed that to my left is brake and right is accelerator. Some how I made a right turn (or was it left?) and set out to drive. My instructor literally yelled at me asking me to maintain my lane. On top of that, he would say watch your speed ,watch the signals, make a right lane switch, accelerate or brake, and would quiz me on who was following me and what happened to the guy who was following me, watch my blind spot, dont accelerate that fast, accelerate gently, brake gently, go easy on the brakes, etc etc. Once at a red light, I had hit the brakes very hard since I was so scared that I might cross over the pedestrian line and stop. We both jerked forward. He got very annoyed and said, 'another time you do this, we are going straight home'. I was about to say that it was a very good idea but the signal turned green unfortunately and we had to go on. Now that is over whelming. I simply cannot, I emphasize, cannot multi-task that quickly. I can multi-task only when I am comfortable with atleast a couple of jobs. I was still not comfortable controlling the steering, or brakes or acceleration and I was supposed to look into a dozen other things as well! I wondered what he was doing sitting next to me. Why can't he look into those, when I try to gain control of the steering.
He took me to a parking lot and taught me to do parallel parking, perpendicular parking and all that. Parking after the first hour, when I haven't got control of the steering? I was bewildered. Needless to say, I did a pathetic job, since I couldn't judge the size of my car. I ran over the cones which were supposed to represent the car in the next parking lot. After one hour or so, when he said brake, I would invariably hit the accelerator. He hadn't noticed till then that I was controlling the brake with my left foot and accelerator with my right, while I am supposed to control both with the same foot. (my left one). So because of my sense of "rightness", I had been yelled at countless times.
Now, I respect his age, his 39+ years of experience in driving and I could understand his frustration. But he got respect my inexperience on the road too. Does he not? I still offered him a cup of coffee or juice when we returned to our apartment complex, when he claimed he was tired. I felt sorry that he had to work so hard at his age.
When I returned home that evening, I asked my hubby to postpone the second session, since I have to take the driving test that day. And that I am scared of the instructor and he keeps scolding me and all that. Driving for the three hours and I was at my wits end, I was just not ready to face the instructor. My husband simply refused saying it wouldn't make sense. And I and my husband go to a wal-mart parking lot to practice and I ran straight over the crib and over the bushes. (again i was accelerating when I should be braking) and that moment I kissed my hopes of getting a license very solid good-bye, but still made it to the class.
Second session was worse than the first. I had lost 2 nights of sleep because of fear and I was a little tired and immensenly scared of both the instructor and driving. When a couple of naughty drivers wanted to pull my leg by either coming too closely behind me or crossing lanes too closely in front of me, I got extremely nervous and ran over the curb and I refused to drive. We made it to a parking lot and the instructor said he would have to fail me if I am this nervous and it made him sad. I was frantically hoping (oh no, I was frantically praying) that he would fail me and I cant take this any further. But we took a break and let me be a passenger while he showed what I should do to clear the test. Somehow next time I made it, thought it was a very rough ride and I got back to the driving school's office. He got my paperwork done and cleared me through saying, "I wouldn't have given the nth chance, if you had not been so sweet and nice. I would not have given the certificate if anyone had been this rough, but I simply couldn't refuse you".
So end of it all, I got my driver's license to serve as my state id because I was being nice and not because I drove well. My friends say certain things happen only with me or only to me. May be this is one of those things. On a positive note, my husband was laughing his heart out, each time I describe how difficult it is to drive or I crib saying there are just too many things. (I don't agree that I am incapable of driving by the way. I cannot since I have a driver's license).
I am surprised by the variety of people I run into and the equally various kind of emotions they invoke in me. I have to say I have no sense of "normalcy" after meeting with or associated with these kinds. Everything sounds absolutely perfect and in place.
To start with, people in my work place. You cant find as disparate a crowd as my bunch of colleagues. One is head over heels in love with Sci-Fiction, air planes and all hi-tech things and calls himself a star gazer. Another wants to give up on IT and enter into civil services and yet another one has a capability of speaking nonstop about nonsensical things and make a joke of about just anything under the sun (as one of us would term it "smooth flow of nonsense"). One is a geek, another one is emotionally profound (calling himself a higher mortal) and yet another has an everyday-girl-next door outlook. One has absolutely no opinion whatsoever on spirituality, religion and does not have a care in the world or at least paints that picture. At the same time, that one is a close friend of the other who is up to her neck deep into spirituality. Sometimes I wonder what in the world was making us bound to each other and even worse, intimate with one another. We might not have one thing in common, except of course, for all the fun we were having together. I am not sure whether I would fit so perfectly in another gang of friends like how I fit amongst these. I have not really thought about our differences until I had to move away to a different work place. I am grateful for their company and our togetherness against all odds. I think I would miss that for my lifetime.
The next episode would invite disapproving looks from my family but it still was an interesting episode. It was one of those times when I had been traveling in Bangalore a long distance. (Well that could be called a long distance in Bangalore - about 13-15 km really). And as is typical in Bangalore, I of course could not rely on any public transport and what is worse, I could not even get an Auto Rickshaw though I was willing to pay double the metered fare. When I was about to give up on my plan, a guy in a 9 seater vehicle (Tavera to be exact) pulled over. I was watching what he was up to. The license plate did not display a yellow board (means a travel agent's cab). It was a private vehicle. For a moment, I thought the guy was a hired driver for some big shot and was using the vehicle to make some cash along the way. Whatever be it, I got a feeling that I could get into the car if it was heading in the same direction I wanted to go. At least half way to my destination should be good. And fortunately, it was going past where I wanted to go and I wasted no time and got into the vehicle. Being the only lady amongst the other travellers, the guy asked a person sitting in the front to get into the back. So I travelled in comfort. One by one every one got dropped off and I still had about 8 kms to reach my destination. Being just the two of us, we started talking. He asked me where I was going. I was going to the marriage hall we had booked for my marriage to pay off the remaining cash. I was telling him the same and he was surprised that I was carrying cash and was waiting for an auto, being a lady. I answered back saying, my mom would not come to terms with traveling in a car with an unknown fellow with cash. She could accept my going by auto, but not this way. He said, "yeah, that is true. People are lot less trusting these days." He was surprised that it was an arranged marriage and I had not even seen the guy when I said yes. He said girls now-a-days are freaks, going to malls and dumping one guy after another. I said that is too generic a description. He said he does not have a high opinion of girls in Bangalore, which I cannot comment on or agree with. Now it was my turn. I asked him about his native place. He said he had come to Bangalore from a village and started working as a driver and been to night schools here in Bangalore. He worked many part time jobs, saved enough to get into amway business and rest was history. He was earning a lot and still working as a driver. He had saved enough to buy the Tavera from his boss, when his boss was about sell. Probably he thought I didnt believe it. He took out his license and registration papers and his passbook to show that he was indeed earning as much as he claimed. I said I needed no proof and that he earned himself a very high opinion. He was worried that my fiance would reprimand me for traveling with some guy I didnt know, which I dismissed off as an impossibility. Surprisingly, all this information was exchanged even when we both didnt know each other's language very well. Half the time, we had to dance about with vivid and vivacious gestures to make ourselves understood to the other. (Man, that would have been quite a sight!) When he dropped me off, I paid him 100 Rs which was way too less than what I would have paid an Auto Rickshaw. He refused to take a penny more saying, it was a pooled transit and that he is good. He even offered help during the marriage which I politely refused. When I narrated this episode in a much greater detail to my friends over lunch, they were glad that I am in one piece and safe. Whether my fiance reprimanded or not, my friends really did. And they kept saying over and over again, that, only I am capable of getting into all these unsafe ventures amongst us. But I didnt feel anything odd, since my instinct told me that I will be OK. I was only thankful that I met a person like that - brimming with hope of the future, with a insurmountable can-do attitude. That was all that was needed to witness, especially when I was in doubt of my future.
"I'm finished", these words stung when the full meaning of the words hit me. This was an answer that I elicited from a lady of the neighboring house who is suffering from cancer. I didn't realize that she was that sick and asked a question as to whether she is still undergoing treatments. There was neither hesitation in her voice nor was any self-pity or gestures that would evoke poignant feeling for her, just unmistakable reality - the reality that seems to elude me. I know that death is as natural as birth, but coming to face to face with it is still hard and especially when you run into something like this unexpectedly. I am sure, she would not have been bothered as much as I am, after the conversation. She wanted to know if she could knock at my door any time and have some conversations since she feels lonely at times. She asked me if I could teach her to pencil-sketch. She clearly moved on to more pressing day-to-day issues faster than I could. Though I was feeling awkward the whole day, she is clearly more stronger than any person I have run into at that age. I wish and pray that I could be half as strong as she is.
I have narrated only the good side of people I found fascinating and still not done with my narration yet, but as we all know, there are many facets of all kinds to make the world and that is why, it is still interesting to meet new people.
Lord, make me a little shameless,
To be childishly adamant without being embarrassed..I want to realize that it pays to be a little shameless,
To be able to jump in the road side pools formed by rains without hesitation..
To shed table manners, when I feel like, wherever I am..
To be able to sing without worrying about what others would think..
To stomp my foot and insist that I want something..
To be able to hop about whenever I feel like without caring for the onlookers' disdain..
To have pillow fights with a sibling no matter how old I am..
To indulge like a three year old..
To forget all about etiquettes..
When I accept that I am lost..
When I accept that I have lost the cause..
When I don't take a stance when everyone says I got to..
When I sit tight and do nothing when you ought to do something but not able to..
When I court my love..
When I confess that I miss someone dear..
When I park aside my values that I have grown with, for a seemingly higher cause..
When I am silent when people around me insist something must be said..
When I stay indecisive longer than usual about something of utmost importance..
When I watch two people I care for fight..
When I accept that I let someone to become intimate enough to hurt me..God, bless me with a thick skin
To bring myself to accept the fact that I alone cannot satiate my own needs..
To feign ignorance to avoid the rough seas..
To swallow the hurt and fake a smile when you are bleeding inside and cannot accept it hurts and be honest about it..
To let someone else be responsible for my happiness and sorrows..
To allow myself to pour my heart out to keep me sane..
To do what I think to be mediocre trivia with greatest care for someone dear..
To be able to take the conflict between two people without reservations..
To be just a little selfish when I believe that it would do everyone good..
To vent out frustrations once in a while..
To let my eyes well up and let the tears roll down my cheeks beyond the comfort of privy quarters..
To be able to demand what I want of someone intimate..
To pin point someone's mistakes bluntly..
To be less guilty to save me some pain..
To be able to let down someone when I have to..
To turn my back on someone in need of help when I know I cant help..
To run away from war front to fight yet another day..
And for many more inexplicable deeds..
The act of giving is much talked about in practically every part of world. It transcends religions and shatters geographical and other visible and invisible boundaries. The person who gives unconditionally is considered noble and benevolent at heart. All that is great. But does the act of giving alone fulfills the intention with which something is given? I am not too sure about it. I am reminded of Newton's law - For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Rephrasing it a bit, for every action to be fulfilled there needs to be an equal and opposite reaction. The act of giving can only be complete if it accepted with the spirit it is made.
For instance, how can love and affection be complete if one is not capable of receiving the love. Yes, love can be bestowed unconditionally but is that complete? How can one be complete freedom when the person being given the independence is not capable of receiving it. This list could go on and on - advice, mentoring, coaching, any opportunity and so on and so forth.
Should we judge every thing before giving or should we just give and can only hope that it will be taken in the right spirit? This comes back to the question of expectations of the giver. Should the giver be unconditional? Of course, it is situational and decision depends on the receiver. But what if life does not always give you the opportunity to gauge the receiver? Should we or should we not give is a question?
As an aside, what is special about few people who are able to give anything without hesitation, consistently and unconditionally? What drives them? Or are there hidden expectations that are not apparent to the eyes of lesser mortals?
For a change I am going to retell a story - The story of six blind man and an elephant.
There were six blind men and they embarked on a quest of finding how the elephant would be. Since they were blind, to get a picture of how the elephant would be like, they have to start feeling the animal. The elephant being huge, the 5 of them feeling around the animal at different places.
The first blind man walked over to see how this thing would be. He bumped himself into the side of the elephant. He put out his arms to either side, but all he could feel was the big body of the elephant. So he claimed that the elephant is like a wall.
The second blind man walked over to the front and grabbed the trunk of the elephant. He started screaming and wailing. "Elephant is like a wall! That is ridiculous. This is like a snake. Step back! Step back! Just in case that this thing is poisonous".
The third blind man who perched himself at the back of the elephant, felt its tail. He says, "Hey you two. There is no wall or snake. You both are wrong and please don't fear. Elephant is like a rope and seems very harmless".
The fourth man started feeling the legs and of course, he had pass a judgment too. He declared, "The elephant is but four tree trunks. No wall, no snake and of course, no rope either. Lets move on now."
The fifth man went over to the front and started feeling its tusks. "I feel two sword like things. Strong and smooth. Is this animal like a sword?". Finally a question, instead of a declaration!!
Are any of them wrong? How can all of be so incorrect and yet so correct!
Wonder what happened to the sixth man? He was quietly listening to all this. He heard and realized that the 5 of them walked off in different directions and felt the animal. He was triggered by the question the fifth man threw out open and started wondering aloud and threw a question of his own.
"Guys, what if you are all true. What if the elephant is all that you said?".
There were objections and chaos, the primary reason being, the elephant could not be all of this since the animal would have to be really huge if it has to be all of what was described.
The sixth man, apparently the wiser and more creative of the lot, asked, "Well, why cant it be huge? Why are we curtailing our thoughts with the invisible restrictions? There is no rule that an animal could be only this big. What if we are all in front of the biggest animal on earth?".
The other 5 had to agree. It takes a some listening, some observation and some thinking to put all of the different pieces together.
You see, difference of opinion always helps if we take it constructively. The difference, really makes a huge difference in getting the complete picture. Multiple perspectives allow us to attack the issue from various fronts and dig out the strengths and complement the weakness. That is the power of having multiple perspectives. But do we as one single individual generate as many perspectives? In my opinion that is not possible. And here is where the wisdom of crowd pitches in. Precisely the reason why there is a jury of 12 men (or rather people) - with different backgrounds, education profile and ethnicity. In recent years, women are a part of jury. Now, corporations find that having such differences is important. They find that it is more effective to have at least a woman on board or in a team. The pull and push between the basic nature of men and women compensate so beautifully in a team. The woman in the team pulls the reins on the aggressive schedules which is typical of a man. The over-meticulous attitude of woman is complemented by get-it-done-fast-and-neat attitude of men.
But jury and corporations bring in differences by choice, not by chance. There is a process around working with differences. Even if the differences get bigger and unworkable, there is a process of iron-hand-sorting - basically remove people who have too rigid opinions. The loss is not very high for the institutions and could afford the luxury having differences with a certain risk factor.
How do we react when it happens by chance in a personal environment? Do we cope with it well? I am afraid the answer would have to be a no. We do not do too well on that front. We feel threatened and we are afraid of losing our "face" since our opinions are what we are when we come to our personal front. While having different opinions is encouraged in an controlled , professional environment, we shy away from that in an intimate relationship. We feel the risk is too high to cope with. We ignore that there are differences and try to work around it. The best path to solution of a problem is through it and not around it. We fail to realize.
All this happens because we feel we are the set of opinions we have. We are more than our opinions. We should be having opinions yes, but weakly held - not weak enough to accept things we don't believe but not strong enough to be blind to other facets.
The coach pats the back of the player saying, "Well that throw was good, but not good enough".
The teacher tells the student, "Your score in Math is awesome, but your history sucks". (The student wonders, "What the heck, isn't 75% in history good enough?". As if anyone cares!)
The teacher shares his opinion of the ward to the parent, "Your son is a brilliant student, but he needs to behave in class".
The boss says to his sub-ordinate, "You are the most hard working person I have ever run into, but you know what? That is not enough, you need to work smarter.". (The guy scratches his head pondering, 'Whatever that means! I finish everything he says and more before the deadline committed. Should I be smart enough not to complete it before the deadline? Hmm, may be thats the smarter way')
The mother comforts the son who demands a toy, "Yes baby, you behaved as you promised, but the toy has to wait for a while for you are still not old enough". (The child wonders, 'How old should I be to be 'old enough' and why didn't she say that I was not old enough when she made the promise')
The husband wonders aloud to his wife, "Honey, you are look great, but can you also wear this high healed sandals and put on the white t-shirt instead of the one you are wearing. I think you would look out-of-world if you do that". (The wife thinks, 'Oh, isn't it enough to be looking great and I very much want to be in-the-world.')
The wife complains to the husband, "The vacation was great but we should simply have stayed there for couple of days more, for I didn't get to shop to my heart's content!" (The husband blinks stupefied, 'Good lord, we are returning with three times the luggage we went with and she thinks we haven't shopped enough. Whom does she think I am, a goose laying golden eggs?')
A girl confesses to her friend, "You were right, I acted stupid but I cant help it and I don't think I would be able to change my ways. I know it would be difficult for you but I think you would be able to accommodate or adjust or just simply ignore if at at all you think our friendship means anything at all you". (The friend finds it cheap of herself to say, 'And sweety, you can demand a little when you have given a little, what can you give to demand this of me. Do I mean something to you?')
A guy in his early 30's muses, "Hmm, we will be going the family way shortly and I should stop being such a spend thrift but may be after I spent my heart's content for the next couple o' months.".
Oh the medicine is bitter, you know, but it is sugar-coated. By the way there are some nice but's in life too. Something like,
"The old lady in the corner apartment was asked to vacate".
"Oh! But she was such a nice lady"
"The film was short but it was so sweet that I wish it were longer".
But there is always a but.
Scenario 1:
"Can you buy me a cycle mommy?", the two year old quizzed his mother. "You may have it when you come first in the class.", answered his mother. He meets the expectations and asks for it the cycle again. And lo, he gets what he wanted.
"Mommy, I want the video game", the kid places another demand. "You be a good boy at school and stop fighting with your classmates. I don't want your teacher complaining about you. Let us talk about the video game then". The kid behaves nicely and he gets what he wants.
Days, pass by and the kid gets things like cycle when he meets the expectations set on him.
Scenario 2:
The employee asks the boss, "What should I do to get the promotion?". The boss says, "You are doing at a great job at the current level. But you should take more responsibilities and accountability to take you to the next level.". He sets the ground rules and keeps raising the bar with incentives once they are met or chides him when he fails to meet.
These are just few of the instances in life where expectations are set and effort is taken to meet them. Even personal relations are not immune to them. Many times we expect few things from parents, friends and even life partner without telling them. When they are not met, the hurt that entails is more often carried for a long time. In countless cases, such disappointments how ever trivial they are, hurt us with intensity that is ineffable purely because they are caused by someone dear to us and whom we hold in high esteem. The effect is compounded multiple times because we don't expect such actions from one whom we hold dear and with immense respect. Funnily enough, the dearer the person is, more reluctant are we to say 'I expected you to do this for me'. The reasons could be many fold. (But then our minds are masters of imagining reasons and coming up with justifications.). Whatever said and done, when there is disappointment, the more intimate the relation is, the more effort it takes to handle.
While the whole world seems to be bound by this intricate whirl of expectations, what drives the rescue workers who selflessly unearth the debris? What do people who feed the orphans day in and day out expect in return? What drives the true spiritual leaders? What keeps those who fight for environment going?
May be, just may be, we all should try parking our expectations aside for a while and let people be what they and how they want to be .
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